Day 10

8 July 2008
0540
Hostel room

On top of everything else that’s happened, my flip-flops broke at the strap this morning. Luckily, it happened after my shower and even more luckily I brought a pair of sandals which I otherwise would probably not use.

I notice that my handwriting here is nicer than other days. I think it’s because I am sad. When I am unhappy, other things in my life look good, like my hair and my handwriting. Now, if only this quirk would extend to my skin (to make it less spotty than it is now) and my body (to make it slimmer so at least something good and effortless came out of this whole regretful trip).

Yesterday I slept early, after 9. Called Von but the line was so terrible I gave up trying to speak to her in an attempt of a comfort call because I was still crying when I decided to call her.

Von thinks that I am ostracised because of my association with her. I think she is half right. I am also being ostracised because I am different from them. They think I am selfish and inconsiderate, but they don’t see that I cannot walk as much as them, or whatever gripe they have of me, and I thought we were friends despite what problems they have with Von. I am not Von after all, am I? Though my allegiance is with her, I would never make public of it because my inability to be independent will not jeopardise my cordial superficial relations with them. This is of course purely in my self-interest; I get to go places I want to go with company I am familiar with.

It’s easy for people to tell me to go anywhere by myself but
1. this is my first time away from home.
2. I am not proficient in Cantonese.
3. I am not independent nor adventurous by nature on my own.

And frankly, going to visit someplace on my own just isn’t fun. I enjoy my own company but only in doing activities in solitude, such as journaling this trip. or blogging or musing. But travelling to me is meant to be with friends I care for and trust, not people who hate me but pretend they don’t because of who my friends are, and not with people who don’t give two hoots about me.

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