Day 9
2025
Today I got to enjoy about 2 hours of Internet, which I hope to do again tomorrow. Then we watched a Portuguese film. I couldn’t understand most of it so it was horribly boring and tiring for me. Lunch and dinner wasn’t that nice. I went back to my room after dinner and cried. Actually, I didn’t even make it to my room before my tears started pouring. Recalling that makes me cry again now from the embarrassment of losing one’s control.
I’m crying because I miss home. I’m crying because nobody here cares for me. I’m crying because I’m being ostracised. I’m crying because I am trapped in my own insecurities and fears. I’m crying because I miss him. I’m crying because I need to let it out and writing in my journal is not enough, not after I’ve been blogging for so long.
Most of all, I’m crying because I cannot imagine going through this another 3 weeks. It’s stupid but suicide is actually on my mind.*
*It’s beyond stupid, but it is not an option when I thought about it. I just thought about it; it just came into my mind. That’s how it starts, doesn’t it?
*
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*Hugs*
I don’t know what that feels like, and I am sad that none of us were there to help you get through it.
thank you
it was my fault, i should’ve blogged about it instead of keeping it to myself. but i felt so ashamed at that time because it felt like a failing.
Having thoughts of suicide… happen when we feel trapped, and all the ways out seem to be the same as horrible. There’s nothing that counteracts the overwhelming feelings of hopelessnes and anxiety, so they gain strenght, and only one thing seems to be attractive enough. Ending it.
Suicidal ideation is more common than you think, and most people who think about it do not commit suicide. Eventually, they find something that counteracts the feelings. Even a good night of sleep helps to dissipate the feelings of being trapped and with no way out.
Some people do of course, go to higher levels so it’s not to be taken lightly either.
*hugs* You were all alone. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Having no one to turn to in times of crisis is awful no matter how strong you think you are.
my counteract is my fear of the unknown after death, haha. it was a bit of a childish tendency for me, like hmph, i’ll die now and let them be haunted by their guilt forever!
but i’ve not thought about suicide for a long long time (because of that fear), so it was really quite bad.
the story isn’t over yet, though!
I can’t wait to read what happens next.